Chocolate Chip Pudding Cookies

There are some natural combinations in life that just work. Peanut butter and jelly. Mac and cheese. Sunshine and flip flops. Romey & Michelle. They are duos that have roots so deep that trying to separate them just doesn't make sense—they go together (cue the closing dance scene and music from Grease). These combos have become ingrained in the way we pack our lunches, they ways we survived the poverty of college, the way we dress ourselves and the way we define our friendships.

Even if mac and cheese or a perfect beach day aren’t in your repertoire, chances are you have pairings of your own that have come to define the way you do things.  Something feels wrong, out of balance, if your duo isn’t complete. Your mojo is totally out of whack if you don’t have the perfect shimmy to go with your shake.

When you are introduced the perfect pairing, it’s like an epiphany. How did harmony ever exist before this combination was defined? It’s one of those things that you didn’t know you needed—but now that you have it? There is no chance you could live happily without it.

Not every match in my life is material. As I’ve mulled over this idea of sweet harmonies, I’ve realized that the concept extends far beyond my culinary, pop culture and fashion realms.  My personal life is full of things that I didn’t know that I needed, but now that I’ve experienced them, I’m not sure I can survive without them. My friends run the gamut of personality types, from over protective and motherly, to something of a loose cannon here and there. And each one of them offers me something, some aspect of themselves, which I can’t live without.

Since the Fall I’ve seriously struggled with understanding who I am and what I want. I made a lot of choices in my personal life that I wasn’t proud of, but I was not thinking long-term or practically. I was thinking, ‘What will make me feel better, right now?” I guess I was an embodiment of the instant gratification generation. I didn’t want to wait to heal. I wanted my life to implode, to sweep up the pieces into a tidy pile, forget it ever happened and instantly go back to being Jess. I didn’t need to grieve, or process or recoup… Or so I thought.

Turns out, running full speed ahead, without a break, without a breath to process, without time for yourself means you basically slam into a brick wall that you never saw coming. And that hurts. Probably more than what set you off running in the first place. I hit that wall after the New Year and I realized that if I didn’t chill the fuck out I was going to miss out on the chance to let something good happen for me.

What I had to realize was that I needed to LET it happen. I had to get out of my own way and for, probably the first time in my adult life, stop planning everything and just let my life happen to me. I needed to experience my own life, instead of driving it. And once I accepted that I can’t plan for every what-if scenario and guard myself against every emotion I may experience, good things started happening.

And now? I’ve discovered all kinds of things that I didn't know I needed in my life, but now they have the perfect place. You could say I have all the things I knew I wanted (and deserved), plus all kinds of bonus stuff. And the bonus stuff? It’s the best part.

When things finally go right, after they've felt wrong and forced for so long, it’s better than an epiphany. It’s like taking a huge breath, when you didn't realize you’d been holding yours in for who knows how long. You don’t always know that it’s right, until you stop trying to figure out what it is and just let it be. And then, if you’re lucky, the pieces fall into place… And you find yourself happier than you knew you could be, with your life going in a direction you never fathomed you’d have the courage to face again.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be hard. Connecting with another person is supposed to be sort of a basic instinct, right? We want companionship. So why do we make it so complicated? Why do we concoct a complicated formula for what should really be a simple, perfect pair? And when we finally find that match, why question it? Let it be. When you find that one thing that you didn’t know you were missing, but suddenly you have and can’t imagine life without? Don’t fuck it up.

I’ve had this recipe for chocolate chip cookies for ages. I’ve understood the concept of a cookie since I started baking in middle school. But I never found the perfect balance of ingredients until I started playing with this recipe. And once I stumbled across the addition of pudding to the mix, I realized I had a winning combination. And I don’t mess with that. You never knew you needed pudding in your cookies, but once you have it, you’ll never turn back. The chocolate chips are just the bonus stuff.

Pudding Plus Chocolate Chip Cookies

Adapted from Allrecipes.com

Ingredients

• 4.5 cups flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 cups butter, softened
• 1.5 cups brown sugar
• .5 cups sugar
• 2 (3.4 oz) packages instant pudding mix (whatever flavor you fancy... I usually use vanilla or butterscotch)
• 4 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 4 cups chocolate chips

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Sift the flour and baking soda together. Set aside.
3. In a large bowl, cream the butter until light and fluffy. Add the sugars.
4. Beat in the eggs, one at a time.
5. Add the pudding. Blend in the flour mixture.
6. Stir in the chocolate chips.
7. Drop cookies by rounded spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet.
8. Bake for 9—12 minutes. 

Friendship Bread

A shiny, pink, plastic orb used to answer all my questions about the future. With a couple shakes and some patience while the bubbles and glitter settled, guidance would take form as a triangular beacon of wisdom. When my biggest life challenges were as simple as, “Should I eat a red popsicle or a blue one?” and “Should I watch ‘Saved by the Bell’ or ‘Full House’ first?” it didn’t seem  absurd to put all my faith in a Pink Glam Magic Eight Ball. But 20-something years later? Asking a children’s toy for life advice is, arguably, ridiculous. Despite this, I find myself longing for the solace that could be found in a vigorous shake, a cloud of glittery water and a vague answer bobbing to the surface.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that perhaps pinning all your hopes on the completely random responses of the Glam Ball is not all that realistic. Instead, I transitioned into much more mature methods for charting my destiny—flower petals (he loves me, he loves me not), wishies (your wish only comes true if you blow off all the fuzzy white things) and digital clock readings (11:11—make a wish!). Of course, moving from the sticks to an urban area has made it much harder to find the appropriate greenery needed, and my preaching to kids to stop watching the clock during class makes it hard for me to not look like a hypocrite for doing the same.

Fortunately, my life has brought new, increasingly accurate and significantly more intelligent guidance into my life. The friends I have made, especially in the last decade, deserve so much of the credit for the person I have become.  Friends that loved me enough to tell me when I was being a huge bitch, while helping me pick up the pieces when my life fell apart, have made me realize the value of solid confidants.

My friends that date back to my senior year of high school are distant, but my changing relationship with them taught me so much about what it takes to become a functioning adult. Despite the fact that we aren’t talk-every-day kind of friends, I know that if I had a moment of need, they would be there. When we do reconnect in person, you’d never know that we hadn’t had a face-to-face conversation in years. They are good at reminding me where I come from—a small town in the middle of nowhere, where people talk a little more slowly and life moves at a different pace. Values are different. Priorities take on new meaning. Traditions are strong, allegiances run deep and grudges are like gridlock.

Since moving to San Diego, I’ve managed to create such a strong network of friends that I honestly can’t imagine my life without them. Some friends have come and gone, but from each person I have learned. My friends have shown me what unconditional love is. They have shown me what tough love is. They have given me a good “momming” a time or two (I still stand by my skirt argument, ladies!). I know I’ve written plenty about how much I appreciate them and all they have done for me, but I don’t think it can be said enough. They swooped in and helped me hold it together and picked up the pieces when I fell apart. They let me make mistakes, but make sure that I learned from them. And when something finally went right, they helped me be brave. They encouraged me, they supported me and they reassured me that I could put faith in something new and I would be ok. And when they were right, it wasn’t, “I told you so,” but rather, “I’m happy for you.”

And while some of my friends may argue that I have other motives, I do my best to show my appreciation to those that love me. Usually this is done through baked goods (which, conveniently, guilt some friends into logging miles with me). And what is more perfect than Friendship Bread to show the people I love how much they mean to me?

Amish Friendship Bread

Adapted From Allrecipes.com

• 1 cup Friendship Bread Starter (see previous post)
• ½ cup vegetable oil
• ½ cup applesauce
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 3 eggs
• ½ cup milk
• 2 cups flour
• 1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons cardamom
• 2 tablespoons of sugar (for dusting)
• 1 (5 ounce) package pudding mix (choose your flavor based on what kind of bread you want)
• 1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
• 1 cup shredded carrots, zucchini, chopped apples, mashed bananas or other addition of your choice (totally optional, but can add flavor and texture to the bread)

              1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Lightly grease two 9x5 inch loaf pans.

      2. In a large bowl, stir together Amish Friendship Starter, oil, applesauce, sugar, vanilla, eggs and milk.

      3. Sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon.
4. Stir into the starter mixture.
5. Mix in the vanilla pudding mix.
6. Fold in the chopped nuts and/or other additives.
7. Pour the batter evenly into the prepared pans.
9. Sprinkle the tops of each loaf with sugar
10. Bake for 60 minutes in the preheated oven, until a knife inserted comes out clean.
11. Cool for 10 minutes in pans before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.