Friendship Bread

A shiny, pink, plastic orb used to answer all my questions about the future. With a couple shakes and some patience while the bubbles and glitter settled, guidance would take form as a triangular beacon of wisdom. When my biggest life challenges were as simple as, “Should I eat a red popsicle or a blue one?” and “Should I watch ‘Saved by the Bell’ or ‘Full House’ first?” it didn’t seem  absurd to put all my faith in a Pink Glam Magic Eight Ball. But 20-something years later? Asking a children’s toy for life advice is, arguably, ridiculous. Despite this, I find myself longing for the solace that could be found in a vigorous shake, a cloud of glittery water and a vague answer bobbing to the surface.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that perhaps pinning all your hopes on the completely random responses of the Glam Ball is not all that realistic. Instead, I transitioned into much more mature methods for charting my destiny—flower petals (he loves me, he loves me not), wishies (your wish only comes true if you blow off all the fuzzy white things) and digital clock readings (11:11—make a wish!). Of course, moving from the sticks to an urban area has made it much harder to find the appropriate greenery needed, and my preaching to kids to stop watching the clock during class makes it hard for me to not look like a hypocrite for doing the same.

Fortunately, my life has brought new, increasingly accurate and significantly more intelligent guidance into my life. The friends I have made, especially in the last decade, deserve so much of the credit for the person I have become.  Friends that loved me enough to tell me when I was being a huge bitch, while helping me pick up the pieces when my life fell apart, have made me realize the value of solid confidants.

My friends that date back to my senior year of high school are distant, but my changing relationship with them taught me so much about what it takes to become a functioning adult. Despite the fact that we aren’t talk-every-day kind of friends, I know that if I had a moment of need, they would be there. When we do reconnect in person, you’d never know that we hadn’t had a face-to-face conversation in years. They are good at reminding me where I come from—a small town in the middle of nowhere, where people talk a little more slowly and life moves at a different pace. Values are different. Priorities take on new meaning. Traditions are strong, allegiances run deep and grudges are like gridlock.

Since moving to San Diego, I’ve managed to create such a strong network of friends that I honestly can’t imagine my life without them. Some friends have come and gone, but from each person I have learned. My friends have shown me what unconditional love is. They have shown me what tough love is. They have given me a good “momming” a time or two (I still stand by my skirt argument, ladies!). I know I’ve written plenty about how much I appreciate them and all they have done for me, but I don’t think it can be said enough. They swooped in and helped me hold it together and picked up the pieces when I fell apart. They let me make mistakes, but make sure that I learned from them. And when something finally went right, they helped me be brave. They encouraged me, they supported me and they reassured me that I could put faith in something new and I would be ok. And when they were right, it wasn’t, “I told you so,” but rather, “I’m happy for you.”

And while some of my friends may argue that I have other motives, I do my best to show my appreciation to those that love me. Usually this is done through baked goods (which, conveniently, guilt some friends into logging miles with me). And what is more perfect than Friendship Bread to show the people I love how much they mean to me?

Amish Friendship Bread

Adapted From Allrecipes.com

• 1 cup Friendship Bread Starter (see previous post)
• ½ cup vegetable oil
• ½ cup applesauce
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 3 eggs
• ½ cup milk
• 2 cups flour
• 1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons cardamom
• 2 tablespoons of sugar (for dusting)
• 1 (5 ounce) package pudding mix (choose your flavor based on what kind of bread you want)
• 1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
• 1 cup shredded carrots, zucchini, chopped apples, mashed bananas or other addition of your choice (totally optional, but can add flavor and texture to the bread)

              1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Lightly grease two 9x5 inch loaf pans.

      2. In a large bowl, stir together Amish Friendship Starter, oil, applesauce, sugar, vanilla, eggs and milk.

      3. Sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon.
4. Stir into the starter mixture.
5. Mix in the vanilla pudding mix.
6. Fold in the chopped nuts and/or other additives.
7. Pour the batter evenly into the prepared pans.
9. Sprinkle the tops of each loaf with sugar
10. Bake for 60 minutes in the preheated oven, until a knife inserted comes out clean.
11. Cool for 10 minutes in pans before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

Amish Friendship Bread (Starter)

RIP: every serious relationship I’ve had. Long live the lessons I have learned, the experiences I have gathered and the self respect I have gained. I won’t forget to remember the times that were good, the obstacles we overcame and the ways my life has changed. There are times when I see things that remind me of a life I used to live, and my heart gets heavy. I can feel my cheeks prickle with pink and tears burn in my eyes.  Sometimes, I think about the way I thought my life was supposed to be—the things I was supposed to be doing by now, the milestones I wanted to have achieved, they family I wanted to be a part of—and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve made a mistake. Sometimes, I come across an old picture, or a scribbled sentiment on a sticky note or I see a familiar face out in public and it hurts. It hurts in a way that I can’t explain. It hurts in a way that makes me want to scream and cry and run and punch someone and curl up in the fetal position and eat ice cream and puke all at the same time.  

When I think of the good things, I want them back. I miss knowing someone is going to be there when I come home. I miss knowing that someone was unconditionally proud of me, no matter what. I miss knowing that there was someone who appreciated my flaws and loved my quirks. I miss holding hands and hold you me. I miss falling asleep on the couch, snuggled in a perfect way. I miss talking about next week, next month, next year, next generation.  I miss the idea of forever.

But the second I let myself revel in those old memories, the bad comes flooding back. The unkept promises. The lies. The messes. The hurt. The tears. The emptiness. The fake. The pretending. The disappointment. All of the things I swore I’d never settle for, after watching my parents’ loveless marriage. It’s easy to say, “It wasn’t meant to be,” but where does that leave me now? And after all of the turmoil and carnage my heart, my feelings, my courage and my ego have survived, can I risk that all again?

I don’t know the answer. And that makes me uncomfortable. It makes me scared. It makes me feel… vulnerable. It makes me feel not at all like the strong, capable, determined and fearless woman the past six months have helped me become.  I feel like I’m teetering on the verge of something new, toeing the line of taking a big risk, but every time I abandon my apprehensions and take a big step forward, every ounce of logic in me pulls me back so quickly I feel like I’m suffering from emotional whiplash.

But if I’ve learned anything over the past several months, it’s that with challenges comes change. And sometimes, that challenge is not knowing. It’s not having a plan, not having an idea of what the outcome is going to be. Sometimes you have to let go, have faith, a little blind ambition and just believe that everything will come out ok.

There are times when I encounter recipes that are the same way. I read the ingredients, I think about the flavors and then I wonder… people eat that? But, more often than not, when I put my faith (and skills!) behind a recipe, everything comes out ok. Sometimes it takes some tweaking, some patience, but in the end, it all comes out delicious.

Amish Friendship Bread Starter

Ingredients

1 packet (.25 ounce) dry active yeast

¼ cup warm water

3 cups flour, divided

3 cups sugar, divided

3 cups milk

Directions

1. 1.      In a small bowl, dissolve yeast in water. Let stand 10 minutes. In a 2 quart container glass, plastic or ceramic container, combine 1 cup flour and 1 cup sugar. Mix thoroughly or flour will lump when milk is added. Slowly stir in 1 cup milk and dissolved yeast mixture. Cover loosely and let stand until bubbly. Consider this day 1 of the 10 day cycle. Leave loosely covered at room temperature.
2. 2.      On days 2 thru 4; stir starter with a spoon. Day 5; stir in 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Days 6 thru 9; stir only.
3. 3.      Day 10; stir in 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Remove 1 cup to make your first bread, give 2 cups to friends along with this recipe, and your favorite Amish Bread recipe. Store the remaining 1 cup starter in a container in the refrigerator, or begin the 10 day process over again (beginning with step 2).

4.      Friendship bread recipe to follow!