Keep Calm & Bake On

I will save the world, one cupcake at a time. What I cannot fix, I will feed. After nearly two years of baking happiness into everything I do, I have yet to find a rival for the euphoria I encounter watching someone devour one of my cupcakes. In the same way that my recipients get a sugar rush from the massive amounts of deliciousness in my baked goods, I get overwhelmed by a rush of positive endorphins, simply knowing that I am responsible for the joy they are experiencing.

These girls, my newspaper and yearbook EICs, keep me sane.
They also remind me, daily, why I love my job. They are  high
school seniors, and I know my classroom won't be the same
without them. They are also go-to taste testers, despite the
fact that they don't like frosting.

It seems small, right? Bake cupcakes. Share. Enjoy. I’ve often joked that cupcakes are my coping mechanism. For some people, food is a vice. Food is a friend. Food is a comfort. People eat when they are happy, eat when they are sad, and eat when they are bored. And while I’ve battled my own share of food-related issues, I’ve come to realize that despite all my joking, cupcakes really are my way of dealing with life.  In my previous (fat) life, I would have eaten my way through my problems, one (dozen) cupcake(s) at a time. Now? Baking madness ensues every time things start to get turbulent. For the last two years, my kitchen was the one place I could go to find happiness.

The last several months of my life have been a test—of my patience, my endurance, my will power, my strength and my ability to have some blind faith. This blog has been on hiatus for quite some time—there are a number of reasons for that. Primarily, I was in a place where it was a struggle for me to find joy in anything. Daily life became a chore. Things that once had me giddy and excited created a pit in my stomach and filled me with dread. Beyond that, I had to prioritize. For weeks, getting through the day without messing up my makeup was a major accomplishment. As I watched everything I knew slip through my fingers, I simply lost the energy, drive and motivation to do much beyond exist. The safe harbor I had once found among my stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops was suddenly a cold and unwelcoming place. The comfort that the whir of my mixer created only reminded me that I was suddenly alone—no one to test my treats, no one to hold the pastry bag as I filled it with icing. It wasn’t a place I had imagined myself being, but suddenly, baking wasn’t making me happy. It sounds dramatic, but a world without cupcakes is a very scary place.

My grandma Dorothy has always been one of my
biggest cheerleaders--even when I was a bratty kid.

I realized that if baking couldn’t put a smile on my face, I was in no place to be sharing my recipes (much less my experiences) with anyone. I didn’t have a story worth telling, and even when I forced my way through a recipe, I wasn’t enjoying it. The whole reason I started this blog was to have an outlet for my passions—writing, baking, photography. If those things weren’t making me happy anymore, I realized, I needed to take some time away from it all and really focus on what it would take to make me feel like myself again. I knew I wasn’t walking away from cupcakes, but it was clear to me that we needed a break.

Several months later, I’m in a better place. I took a hiatus from my kitchen. I focused on myself. I played more volleyball. I spent more time with my girlfriends. I focused on my job. I ran. A lot. I finished my 5th half marathon. I broke in new shoes and a new attitude. I feel like the universe has continued to kick me while I am down, but I am stronger. I’ve learned what I can endure. I have learned how to cope (not just ignore). I’ve learned that I am capable. I’ve learned that I have incredible friends and a phenomenal support system. I’ve learned that no matter what life throws my way, I will get through it, one way or another. I’ve learned that it’s ok to cry. I’ve learned that meltdowns happen. Most importantly? I’ve learned how to live again.

I'm known as the Cupcake Lady on campus. 

I'm back in business and ready to live up to that moniker.

I’m back, and I’m a better version of myself. I’ve accepted the hand I’ve been dealt, and I’m done settling. I’ve made my way through a shitstorm of life that could have easily broken my spirit and smothered my drive. It broke my heart that baking took me to a dark place for a while. I could have left it alone and stopped all together. But that wouldn't have been right. I've done too much good with my cupcakes already. I'm like an aproned superhero. So rather than give up and hang up my whisk, I’ve found my calm… And I’m ready to bake on.