Amish Friendship Bread (Starter)

RIP: every serious relationship I’ve had. Long live the lessons I have learned, the experiences I have gathered and the self respect I have gained. I won’t forget to remember the times that were good, the obstacles we overcame and the ways my life has changed. There are times when I see things that remind me of a life I used to live, and my heart gets heavy. I can feel my cheeks prickle with pink and tears burn in my eyes.  Sometimes, I think about the way I thought my life was supposed to be—the things I was supposed to be doing by now, the milestones I wanted to have achieved, they family I wanted to be a part of—and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve made a mistake. Sometimes, I come across an old picture, or a scribbled sentiment on a sticky note or I see a familiar face out in public and it hurts. It hurts in a way that I can’t explain. It hurts in a way that makes me want to scream and cry and run and punch someone and curl up in the fetal position and eat ice cream and puke all at the same time.  

When I think of the good things, I want them back. I miss knowing someone is going to be there when I come home. I miss knowing that someone was unconditionally proud of me, no matter what. I miss knowing that there was someone who appreciated my flaws and loved my quirks. I miss holding hands and hold you me. I miss falling asleep on the couch, snuggled in a perfect way. I miss talking about next week, next month, next year, next generation.  I miss the idea of forever.

But the second I let myself revel in those old memories, the bad comes flooding back. The unkept promises. The lies. The messes. The hurt. The tears. The emptiness. The fake. The pretending. The disappointment. All of the things I swore I’d never settle for, after watching my parents’ loveless marriage. It’s easy to say, “It wasn’t meant to be,” but where does that leave me now? And after all of the turmoil and carnage my heart, my feelings, my courage and my ego have survived, can I risk that all again?

I don’t know the answer. And that makes me uncomfortable. It makes me scared. It makes me feel… vulnerable. It makes me feel not at all like the strong, capable, determined and fearless woman the past six months have helped me become.  I feel like I’m teetering on the verge of something new, toeing the line of taking a big risk, but every time I abandon my apprehensions and take a big step forward, every ounce of logic in me pulls me back so quickly I feel like I’m suffering from emotional whiplash.

But if I’ve learned anything over the past several months, it’s that with challenges comes change. And sometimes, that challenge is not knowing. It’s not having a plan, not having an idea of what the outcome is going to be. Sometimes you have to let go, have faith, a little blind ambition and just believe that everything will come out ok.

There are times when I encounter recipes that are the same way. I read the ingredients, I think about the flavors and then I wonder… people eat that? But, more often than not, when I put my faith (and skills!) behind a recipe, everything comes out ok. Sometimes it takes some tweaking, some patience, but in the end, it all comes out delicious.

Amish Friendship Bread Starter

Ingredients

1 packet (.25 ounce) dry active yeast

¼ cup warm water

3 cups flour, divided

3 cups sugar, divided

3 cups milk

Directions

1. 1.      In a small bowl, dissolve yeast in water. Let stand 10 minutes. In a 2 quart container glass, plastic or ceramic container, combine 1 cup flour and 1 cup sugar. Mix thoroughly or flour will lump when milk is added. Slowly stir in 1 cup milk and dissolved yeast mixture. Cover loosely and let stand until bubbly. Consider this day 1 of the 10 day cycle. Leave loosely covered at room temperature.
2. 2.      On days 2 thru 4; stir starter with a spoon. Day 5; stir in 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Days 6 thru 9; stir only.
3. 3.      Day 10; stir in 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Remove 1 cup to make your first bread, give 2 cups to friends along with this recipe, and your favorite Amish Bread recipe. Store the remaining 1 cup starter in a container in the refrigerator, or begin the 10 day process over again (beginning with step 2).

4.      Friendship bread recipe to follow!

Vegetable Lasagna with Cashew Cheese

After two weeks of Spring Break, a lot of traveling, a week of newspaper deadline and more than a little emotional and physical stress, I'm finally starting to feel normal again. I've slowly made my way back in to my routine, to a certain extent, and my body is remembering what it is like to have to eat and pee on a bell schedule.

And while the break from work was much needed, as was the lapse from reality, my body is still reeling from the effects of too much alcohol, not enough sleep and not nearly enough exercise. As someone who has battled weight issues since I was a kid, I think I will always feel fat. I will always see myself as a fat kid. It's become clear to me that where other people see curves, I see rolls. Where other people see muscles, I see unsightly bulges. I've gotten better at dealing and coping with my body dysmorphia, when I break my routine and am lax in my exercise and food choices, I start to beat up on myself more than the average individual.

Beyond dealing with the mental image I have of myself, I also find myself fighting an emotional struggle that revolves around my appearance. I've been the Amazing Shrinking Jess for almost six years now. People who have met me in the last two of three years have no idea that I used to look much differently. Even when I started working at my current job, I was heavier than I am now, but no where near where I was back in college. My weight loss isn't something that I readily share with other people. It wasn't until this year that I openly talked about it with some of my coworkers. My friends, on the other hand, have been along for the crazy ride. And now that I've started dating again? Yeah, that's a can of worms I haven't opened with many of the people I've gone out with.

Reason tells me that it is silly to think that people will judge me because of person I used to be. That it is ridiculous to assume that someone will like or care about me less because I have had challenges with my body image. I mean, what girl, today, hasn't ever felt fat, right? But there is something about dropping that, "Oh, hey, justsoyouknowaboutfiveorsixyearsagoiusedtoweighahundredandtwentypoundsmorethanidonow," bomb and not expecting some sort of reaction. I've experienced both--people who are congratulatory, want to know how I did it, and people who give me a look of disgust and want to know what was wrong with me.  I've simply gotten to a point where I avoid the subject. I don't talk about it and I don't bring it up... Because I don't want to deal with the reaction, the judgement or the conversation. I know how far I've come and when I feel safe, sometimes I share. But usually? I feel like I have a big, fat secret.

And so every now and then, when my routine gets disrupted, when life happens, or when cookies happen, I find myself retreating to something of an ugly place. I catch glimpses in the mirror, and rather than being proud of what I see, my eyes zero in on the imperfections that I perceive. I often find myself in a rut when, despite pushing my limits and trying to make smart choices, I can't seem to get to where I want to be. And while I've gotten better at coping with the ruts, the ups and the downs, there are times when I feel smothered by my own self doubt.

There isn't anything that really fixes those feelings, other than dragging my butt back to the gym, running harder or longer, and focusing on making better choices. I think I have effectively sweat, digested and processed all of the alcohol out of my system. I don't feel like I smell like a PB bar when I'm working out. I don't feel like I've been fueling my body with total trash. Part of what helped clean things up was a partial detox that I implemented for myself. And I decided that perhaps my meals should consisted of green things, other than the mint in my mojito. I may have shocked my body, but I'm back on the veggie bandwagon!

Vegetable Lasagna With Cashew Cheese (Vegan)

Adapted from Clean Living

Noodles
2 medium sized summer squash OR zucchini, cut into wide strips that are roughly ¼ inch thick
sea salt, a few sprinkles
freshly ground black pepper

Vegetables
2 portobello mushrooms, gills scooped out with a spoon, sliced into ½ inch thick strips
2 cups crimini (or white) mushrooms, sliced
1 medium zucchini, cut into ¼ inch thick rounds
1 leek, the bottom white part only, sliced into ¼ inch rounds

1 yellow bell pepper, sliced

2 garlic cloves, peeled and minced
1 bunch of swiss chard, de-stemmed and roughly chopped

Sauce
1 cup cashews
juice of 1 lemon
1 heaping tablespoon miso paste
1 teaspoon garlic granules
1-2 teaspoons sea salt

For the lasagna:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. To make the noodles, slice the squash since these are being steamed, and need to be slightly thicker than if you were to use a vegetable peeler. A mandolin will make the slices too thin and they will pretty much just fall apart.
3. Place the long summer squash slices into a bowl and toss with a fair amount of sea salt and black pepper, enough to coat.
4. Transfer to a saute pan with a ¼ cup of water.
5. Cover the pan and gently steam until just tender (when you can lightly pierce with a fork). Remove from heat and allow to cool to room temperature, uncovered.
6. In another saute pan, melt a tablespoon of coconut oil over medium high heat.
7. Add the leeks and cook for 2-3 minutes before adding the sliced mushrooms and zucchini.
8. Cook for an additional 3-4 minutes then add the garlic and chard.
9. Use tongs to gently swirl in the pan so the chard wilts without browning.
10. Season with sea salt (to taste) and set aside.

For the sauce:

1. Place the cashews in a high speed blender with the other sauce ingredients (lemon juice, miso, garlic powder, and sea salt).
2. Slowly drizzle in up to ½ cup of water as needed to create a smooth, creamy, cheese-like sauce. It’s best to keep it on the thicker side so it stays put between the layers when baking.

To Assemble:

1. Use a medium (a square 8×8 works well) sized pan (anything you’d normally make lasagna in).
2. Now create your layers.

• Spread a small amount of sauce on the bottom of the pan.
• Lay out a layer of long steamed squash pieces, side by side.
• Spread some cashew cheese sauce over those pieces as consistent as you can and thick as you like.
• Sprinkle the vegetable mixture over the cheese layer.
• Add another layer of cashew cheese.
• Repeat until all the ingredients are used up. There’s really no wrong way, some people layer the long squash “noodles” first, it’s up to you really; any way you do it will turn out delicious!
• To finish: bake in the oven for 30 minutes, check for cashew cheese browning on the top, and all layers softening and melting together. Let it cool a tiny bit, until you can slice it with a sharp knife (serrated steak knives often work best for this) into squares and then lift onto plates with a spatula. It may fall apart... But guess what? It will still taste the same!